Day 1 (Thurs)
I’m shaking off the loss of falling off yet another fitness journey back in July. I am not 35 and I don’t know what it is, but I just felt like I really needed to lock in. I really had to grieve the disappointment of falling off that one because I felt really locked in. I wasn’t even experiencing craving. But I messed up when it all started to fall apart when I wanted to find an efficient high protein source after boxing and I ordered some cookies and cream Met RX bar. And it just awakened this sugar craving in me that I couldn’t shake off. It also got me away from cooking because I would just grab a bar instead of a food.
I do have this problem a lot though. When I am making progress on a fitness journey, once I feel like I am getting the hang of it, I give myself a little grace to be less rigid and I fall all the way off. So this time, for this season, I can’t give myself any grace. That means no desserts, even those marketed as high protein. No alcohol. And no fried foods. Even if I can get it into my macros. I do want to be the type of person who can treat themselves, but at this phase, I just can’t. I was watching “Mom” and I found Octavia Spencer’s character—Regina—interesting. The whole cast are alcoholics and their lives are kind of framed around the last time they had a drink. And Regina did abuse alcohol and it destroyed her life and she went to prison. Where she couldn’t drink. That time away pushed her to get her life together and removed a lot of the triggers that pushed her to drink in the first place. And she got to a point where she could drink in a controlled manner. That resonated with me because there are a lot of triggers that lead to my fitness to suffer. I believe until those triggers are addressed, I do need to treat “treats” like a vice that needs to be avoided for now. So this Crucible is not just about working out and nutrition, but also adjusting my life that relieves the anxiety that encourages me to slip into bad habits.
I want to do this for 75 days. Its definitely not 75 hard but it does have two non negotiable principles: no treats and log food daily. I think I need to commit to a little bit more than 30 days but committing to much more than that feels too far away. I do have to be able to see the end insight. 75 is really a great number but the hard is just too much to implement at once. Even 75 soft, which is easier, but its just too much to juggle. Interesting coincidence though, 75 days from today is November 16th—the day before my 17th anniversary since joining the military. That feels so huge because I have never been able to consciously stick to fitness journey that long before. The longest was 30 days. I’m bad at daily habits in general. It is CRAZY I can’t even remember to oil my own scalp. Anyway, I want to do a DEXA then to get some nuanced feedback on how I’ve changed.
I have also tried training towards a specific goal, but I don’t ever know how long that is going to take which also makes it feel indefinite. So I do want to have goals as a True North, big picture. But if I focus on the step right in front of me, it is getting razor sharp at these two skills: self control and nutrition awareness. I know what I want to do will take more than 75 days, but it feels like a good point to pause and commit to a short maintenance phase. That is the other part about what makes this feel like its never ending. I heard Dr. Mike from RP talking about this. How fitness conversations are always about getting down, but not enough about staying down. That REALLY resonated with me because I know I’m not going to have to maintain the deficit forever, but am I going to have to do this balancing act with my weight for the rest of my life? That sounds to daunting. The idea of trying to maintain now feel just as hard as trying too lose because I can’t let the reigns go completely and trusting myself to loosen them just enough to maintain is scary. So those last 15 days will really be about preparing to maintain the progress I made before going into another cut.
I know I want to hit 100g of protein and 1800 calories. For now, I’m just observing what I can eat without starving. Today, it was very low calorie which is good for losing fat over all, but it is not sustainable. I am also training for a PT test, and the low protein is not good for building strength. Also, the fiber was very low so it was not great for digestion. However, I did drink over 2L of water which is good. I know I really need to work my way up to three, but I’m not going to push myself too hard. The calories are okay because I’m not going to the gym anyway, but I definitely need to tighten these macros.
I have been very fit before, so on all of these takes of trying to get fit again, I have often pushed myself to a memory of my performance that I just can’t do now. And I have also swung too far the other way not pushing myself enough. Right now, 2L is not a lot but its also not super easy for me to do.
The last time I was successful at getting in shape was 8 years ago, when I was trying to meet the weight requirement to join the Air Force and I just locked in and I was good. I was able to do it a year later while at tech school too, but every since then, I couldn’t get that switch to stay on. At the time, I still also had the memory of what I did to get in the best shape of my life which was my last couple months in the Marine Corps. Now, the memory is so vague, so I’m just trying stuff on my own and it has felt like throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks.
I did try to reach out to the person who gave me the plan before, but it was very clear to me that they lost respect for me because of how I changed and was not making the effort they were phoning it in because they did not believe in me in this way anymore. So it was just as effective as buying a plan offline. In fairness to them though, I have continued to move further and further away from my peak fitness over the following seven years for so many reasons. However, now, I think I’ve done a lot of trial and error, but the biggest game changer has been ChatGPT. I don’t know how accurate it is, but I do know with improving fitness, especially in the beginning, it is not so much about what you do, but being consistent. And it has been so crucial in building my plans and providing me feedback and tracking my progress.
I really thought my relationships were crucial for my success because it is hard for me to show up for myself, but when I know someone is waiting for me, it is easier. Thats why I really think I thrived with that mentor before. However, it isn’t something that can be easily duplicated. I tried it by hiring coaches, but sometimes they are unreliable and honestly, their opinion of me is not that important. So I’ve known, I have to become someone who can just get up and show up for myself. I do think a coach will be useful at the end of this 75 days to help me transition into maintenance because that is where I feel the most vulnerable. Chat found me SooheeFit and her ideology really resonates with what I hope to achieve. By the time, I am ready to meet with her, I’ll have two months of notes to share and I think her team can help me into that next phase. During these 75 days, my priority is fat loss, while retaining as much muscle as I can. When I switch to the maintenance phase, I can focus on muscle growth.
